"Get it together"

This was a quote of mine today. Actually my exact words were "I just can't get it together" as I was crying in the restroom at church this morning.

Let me back up. Today is Orphan Sunday. A day devoted to pray for the orphans and to also create an awareness the vast need to minister to the orphan. As we were getting ready for church, we were explaining to our girls what orphan Sunday means. It was a great conversation. They have really come to understand what an orphan is and what we can do to help. As we were driving, Derek mentioned that he was feeling led by the Lord to fast for part of the day as a reminder to pray. After a short discussion, we decided we both would fast.
I was still feeling quite okay with the day. Not feeling emotional or sad. Just ready to pray and remember our little guy and the other 145 million orphans in the world. As we sat down in Sunday school, Pastor prayed to begin our time. He prayed words about God's timing and that He{God} is never late. He is ALWAYS right on time.
God has put so many great reminders in my life to affirm that we are making the right decisions. This was one of those times. I felt it. Next, he began the reading in the book of Zechariah. It was all about fasting. Of course it was. It all hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I was side swiped by another car. I felt it. The emotions poured over me all at once. I knew that I was unable to stay quiet in my seat. I needed to leave and let it out. So, about 4 minutes into Sunday school, I got up and left. My friend Sue knew I was not okay. She followed. I ducked into the bathroom as to try to have a little privacy. As Sue came into the bathroom, I looked at her and said, "I just can't get it together." Why did I feel like I had to "get it together"? I'm not sure. My human side? Maybe. I need to allow myself to be emotional. It doesn't mean that I stopped trusting Him because I cried over our adoption. I have felt so much victory this year in the wait. Trusting. Waiting. Not questioning the Lord's timing. Thankfully I still feel all those things even today. It was just a hard day that I was not ready for.
My fear is that I become predictable. That my life becomes my circumstances. Adoption. Health. My children. My husband. These are areas of my life that are very important but I want to be more about spiritual growth. Accountability. Becoming more like Christ.
My prayer is that you ask me about my adoption because it is a big deal, but also ask me how I'm doing in the Lord. Am I reading my Bible? What is God teaching me? How am I submitting to my husband? Am I showing self-control with my kids?
Ask me. Please.

God is doing wonderful things to comfort me in these more difficult days of waiting. Today was a great example. Pastor's prayer, the fasting, praying and crying with a dear friend to name a few. Worship was amazing. Every song was the Gospel and our desperate need for a Savior. Praise God.

I also cannot overlook November 1, our one year date of waiting on the list. I got in the car and turned on Focus on the Family. I never get to listen to the broadcast being the mother of two busy {loud} kids, but that day was different. Right away Layla and I heard the words adoption and orphans and we both tuned in. I began to quietly cry and Layla started talking. She said we are adopting and little guy's an orphan. I said, as clear as I could, you are right. She quickly realized that I was crying and asked are you crying and I said yes. She then said, Mom, it's okay, little guy won't be an orphan anymore when he is with us! Precious! I know honey, was my reply. It's all I could get out. I thank God for those God moments, reminders, that He is in control of the whole thing. My life story. Derek's. The girl's. And, yes, Little Guy's.
Thank you, Jesus, for days like today to remember and devote much prayer to these precious little ones in need of a family. Help us to take time each day to pray for Your children, Lord.

*This years Orphan Sunday video. Scroll down and mute the music before you watch.

Orphan Sunday 2011 from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.